I have always put up a front, no matter how tough things were,
telling myself and everyone else that I was fine. Somehow ever since I was
young, I gave people around me
the feeling that I always had things under control. That I could fend for
myself, that nothing could break my spirit. But the truth is I was always
insecure, like an ugly duckling, and looking for someone else's approval.
To be honest, I wasn't even sure of the type of approval I was searching for! Perhaps, after all I had gone through with
Mikkel, it's just simple affirmation that I was someone worthwhile...
When I first met Kenny, it wasn't love at first sight. Sure, he was tall, fit, humorous and fun, but it wasn't love at first sight. He was about to leave the army and was going to Australia to further his studies. I couldn't imagine myself maintaining a long distance relationship so the thought never quite entered my mind yet. Instead, we became friends, really good friends.
One night, in the week that he was due to
depart, he hugged me. We never did have any close proximity until then. This
wasn't just a hug - he kissed me in my forehead and the top of head (yes, I'm
quite the shorty), and held me tight for a long while. Something sparked that
night, something stirred in my heart. We were friends, remember? Friends.
Nothing happened, just that little stirring in my heart. Right before he
departed, we agreed that if we did meet someone else, we'll keep the other
informed, as all good friends would.
Call it what you want - an open relationship, a long distance relationship, whatever. For the next two years that he was in Australia, I dated a few but never found that someone else. I guess making trips downunder to visit didn't help the process of finding another; instead it just magnified that stirring with each trip – Diving at Philip Island, basking under the Aussie sun at Byron Bay, admiring the night sky under a million stars at Mount Coot-tha, walks along Sunshine Coast, daydreaming about our future home in Noosa, and the nasty accident on M1 from Gold Coast back to Brisbane.
What started out as a casual meet up
blossomed into a friendship that eventually onto a relationship when Kenny
graduated from the university. That was the type of relationship I had always
wanted as I always felt that relationships that started for friendships tend to
be more accepting and less expectations. Isn’t that what a relationship should
be in the first place - acceptance with little expectations?
Over the next two years, things between us
became a lot more serious and we took it to the next level. He met my parents
and I met his. Our parents met, and eventually we decided to get married and
settle down. We were only twenty-five when we were engaged and twenty-six when
we got married and tied the knot.
Our wedding was hardly a lavish affair; it
was a rather simple one, yet it was the talk of the town! It was planned as a
midweek church ceremony, a dinner held in a four-star hotel and another in a restaurant.
We had not gone to an upmarket bridal studio to get my gown and Kenny’s
suit done. One would think that it would be a small affair, but as it
turned out, we had seven (!) priests to co-celebrate our union, witness by over
three hundred family and friends on a Wednesday morning. We had a simple
banquet for his side of the family that very night, and another simpler dinner
that Saturday for my parents’ friends and business associates. With over nine
hundred guest to celebrate our marriage, we were blessed.
We had decided not to live in a
condominium, but instead opt for a humble three-room flat. We wanted to avoid
spending too much. After all, a wedding is but a day and a marriage a lifetime.
We understood that. Two years after the wedding, our princess came into the
world, followed by our prince nineteen months after. We were complete. We were
a family. Ten years of marriage and two beautiful children later, my fairy tale
concluded with the end of my marriage.
I could almost hear you gasped – “It
seemed so perfect!” That’s just it, isn’t it? Life’s not perfect. Kenny wasn’t
perfect and neither was I. In this never ceasing search for perfection, I had lost
sight of reality. What eventually broke the camel’s back was waking up to this
reality, that I wasn’t prepared for, that shattered my once prefect world into
a million pieces.
It’s been five years since and I’m in a much better place than I
ever was.
I leave you with this thought - “You are your own worst enemy. If you
can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself and others, you
may find the happiness that has always eluded you.” ― Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon
XOXO,
Jade